Female operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Titus: uh, is there anybody else there I can talk to? Like a guy, maybe?
Operator: I can assist you; what seems to be the problem, sir?
Titus: well, I need to report a robbery of some very personal articles; mom took me in the van, then I got real sleepy. It was when I woke up and began to perform my morning ablutions that I discovered “them” missing!
Operator: you’re going to have to be a bit more specific, sir; what is missing? And perhaps you misplaced the articles in question; did you look carefully?
Titus: good lord, woman! We have an emergency here, and we’re wasting time on the phone while the perpetrators are making away with the goods! I’m talking about me clackers!
Operator: your what, sir?
Titus: mi cojones! Mi huevos! My bronads, my bro-varies, me mangerines! Me clementines! Me nutmegs! The two amigos! Dos beanbags! Do I have to draw you a picture? And yes, I did look carefully! If I had lifted my back leg any higher, I would have thrown me hip out of joint! They’re GONE, I tell you!! I’ve went from being testicled to testicless!
Operator: sir, please, calm down. I show you location as being the Casa del Whackos; I have a unit on the way with a forensics team and our best sketch artist, just in case they’re still in the vicinity. There HAS been an uptick in the area involving jewelry theft and other family hairlooms, so we will be checking with the local paw-n shops as well. (If I ever leave this call center job, I’m taking my comedy on the road)
Titus: but what am I to do with all this excess skin?
Operator: well, sir, can your mom wield a needle and thread? I would suggest installing a zipper, and you’ll always have a place for spare change… sir? Sir? Are you still there?
Operator: sir? Did I lose you?
Titus: I seem to have fainted; the thought of a needle in mom’s hands in such close proximity to ye olde wedding tackle was a bit much for this old man. Wait just a minute; I think I hear the squad car approaching…
Operator: that’s impossible, sir; my screen shows them en route, but still at least 10 miles out. Surely your hearing can’t be THAT good!
Titus: well, I’ve got this cone thing on me noggin, and I’m pretty sure I could hear a fly fart at a quarter mile out. I’m even picking up garbled satellite transmissions; hey! Wait just a doggone minute! Maybe aliens took me goodie bag!
Operator: sir, as any self-respecting conspiracy theorists is aware, aliens are known for leaving evidence in the form of pellets, not taking them with them.
Titus: lady, you’re not getting the picture here; nowhere in this ever expanding universe could my janglies be described as pellets! On the contrary, astronomers may be soon discovering that there are two additional moons in orbit around Jupiter!
Operator: now you’re just bragging; please stay on the line until the detectives arrive.
Titus: like I’m going anywhere in my condition, a line of stitches going up me poor bratwurst.
I’m never going anywhere with mom ever again; dad had better learn to sleep on his stomach, as she’s coming for him next!