The Charlie Bravo Story

A wise man never learns

A wise man learns from other’s mistakes, an average man learns from his own mistakes, but a fool never learns.
Obviously, I am a fool.
Regardless of how I fight the system, I seem to always have at least two dogs on my person whenever I am anything resembling horizontal. Usually, one of these dogs is Charlie, who has the special talent of burying her bony elbow directly into my solar plexus while simultaneously lathering my entire head with dog spit. The only command that will cause her to vacate her position on my soft white underbelly is not a command at all, but a question: “wanna go?”
This is where my status as a fool reveals itself, as I obviously will never learn.
Sure, it works, as far as Charlie is concerned, but not necessarily in my favor. She launches herself off of me with her horny hooves carving divots from parts of me that don’t need carving. This creates a void that is immediately filled with the rest of the inmates pouncing upon me to indicate their interest in going outside as well. Probing noses, thrashing tails, frantic tongues, clawing toenails, all designed to roust me from my repose and do their bidding.
And where is Mom when I’m in such dire need of assistance? Well, “for better or worse” must only apply in situations of her choosing, as she refuses repeatedly to get involved. Anyway, she’s usually beyond earshot anyway, out in the backyard futzing about with those silly quail or some other weird project that it’s probably for the best that I’m blissfully unaware.
When I finally extricate myself from beneath the mass of heaving dogfish, the true battle begins. Although we have made this particular journey countless times, the dogs are so intent on second-guessing any possible deviations in my route to the door that they keep stampeding around my feet. This results in my mincing down the hallway like a Japanese tea girl until finally reaching the promised land.
And this scenario is repeated not just daily, but many times a day; a fool never learns…
…but it’s still worth it.

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