To be understood, you must first seek to understand.
Recently Charlie Bravo and I were involved in a small amount to help get BSL repealed in a nearby city. For those unfamiliar with the term, BSL stands for Breed Specific Legislation, which in turn supposedly applies for whatever dog breed local government chooses to demonize at that particular time. Although it has been used in the past to castigate Dobermans, German Shepherds, Chows, and so on, today it’s almost exclusively used to describe any block headed dog regardless of actual lineage. BSL is fear-based legislation, and any decision based solely on fear is always the wrong decision. And many times, BSL is also a underhanded race-based manuever; “if we can’t keep ‘them’ out of our neighborhoods, we can at least exclude their dogs”.
The venom and vitriol spewed forth was astounding; with underhanded attacks of legitimate businesses and normal citizens the rule and not the exception. If pitties were actually as guilty of violence as some of the Nervous Nellies would have you believe, the whole issue would be a self-correcting error.
As all the humans would be devoured, and no one left alive to bitch and squawk about who owns what.
But, in an effort to reach across the aisle, so to speak, I have decided to compile some of their research for them, as they obviously need some original material. I have conducted a study to discover how many other ways that pitties can be a threat to society. By “conducting a study”, I really mean “I live and sleep with three of the ravenous beasts and meekly do their bidding”; the previous just sounds so much more official. So, here we go, more reasons to fear pit bulls, reasons so horrible that even the naysayers of the breed can’t bring themselves to discuss.
1: death by asphyxiation. Anyone who has ever experienced the waterboarding a pittie can perform using nothing but their tongues and hyperactive saliva glands can attest as to how quickly suffocation can occur. This can also be preceded by and interpreted as “death by dew claw”, as that’s what mine use to hold me immobile while they do their worst.
2: acute anxiety and cardiac arrest triggered by chronic claustrophopia. This occurs when one wakes up to unexpectedly find he is entombed between two blockheaded canines and trapped in a sarcophagus constructed of covers, quilts, and snoring dog flesh.
3: deep vein thrombosis, hematomas, and compound contusions. The primary causes of these conditions are often a direct result of “DAD’S HOME!!!”. A subset of this diagnosis is when the dogs abruptly stop in front of you in a misguided effort to predetermine which chair you might be heading towards, and get there first.
4: foot fractures. I belief that all pitties are direct descendant of the legendary Chief Hardfoot, as the damage they can inflict with their horny hooves to the bony tops of unsuspecting bare human feet is breathtaking, and not in a good way. It’s the equivalent of stepping on Legos except upside down.
5: death by flogging. While many take issue with the jaws of the pit bull, I have learned to fear and respect the armament carried on the south end of a northbound pittie. They are known to use this canine cat o’ nine tales to inflict damage to the shins of unsuspecting victims, thus bringing them to the ground writhing in pain where they can consumate the unspeakable deeds for which they are known.
And there are many more examples; unfortunately the memory of them has been driven from my mind by the intense psychological torment that my own dogs inflict every time I order a twenty-pack of McNuggets. And have you noticed how the market value of these crusty jewels has shot up over the last few weeks? Hey, Ronald! They’re made of CHICKEN PARTS, not filet mignon! How am I supposed to placate a passle of pitties when you keep jacking with the pricing?
And if any detractors of the breed feel the need to accuse me of excessive exaggeration, hyperbole, and fake news to make a particular point to fit my own personal agenda, I only have one response:
Well, you started it.
