Dad here; even though it’s officially Charlie Bravo Day, I feel the overwhelming need to present a very sensitive and serious topic: face licking at the Casa. I know, I know, this is supposed to be a day for celebration, but the situation has became anathema and must be addressed.
But if the truth be told, I really just wanted to find a reason to use the word “anathema”; we all have our vices.
I once had a massive lab named Beebe who was a very prodigious licker. After seeing the vigor with which he lathered my face, my buddy Mark Leniger exclaimed in horror, “don’t you realize he washes his own LOINS?”. And the really weird part is that I did, but denial is so much more than just a river in Egypt.
Of the Tres Blockheads that currently inhabit the Casa del Whackos, all three have distinctly different licking styles. Claire Bear is a bit timid, usually limiting her lathering to two, three, maybe four small strokes o’ the tongue. Titus Pullo, the big lummox, is next, at seven or eight massively sloppy swipes. That is, unless there is another dog in the vicinity to distract him with an opportunity to engage in a bit of Bitey Mouth; then all bets are off.
Then there’s Charlie Bravo. Truthfully, I have no idea where her limits lie, as my need for oxygen always interrupts her salivary ablutions long before she is finished. David Duchovny once had a bit on his Facebook page where he would smear some peanut butter on his face and count the licks his dog would give him. He would then donate a certain sum per lick to a particular animal rescue group, his record being 58 licks. 58? With peanut butter? A “record”?
Don’t make me laugh.
Mom began videoing Charlie one night, and we had to stop her somewhere way up in the hundreds, and there was no peanut butter involved either. I shared the video on Mr. Duchovny’s page, but if I expected any response, I was sorely disappointed by what turned out to be a very pretty man but also clearly a sore loser. When it comes to licking, Charlie is in a class by herself.
But at the other end of the spectrum is Micro Polo, the long-haired chihuahua. He has the stamina and drive to challenge even Charlie, but his licks are just a bit too creepy. Not necessarily where he’s licking, but how; pervy little darts of the tongue at a random spot on an arm or a leg, so incessant that it’s more akin to Chinese water torture than an act of affection. The creep factor usually takes over long before his salacious licking appetite is sated; then he cocks his peanut head and looks genuinely puzzled when I flee screaming from his molestations.
But what about Mia, the Finnish Spitz? She’s the only dog at the Casa that’s not a rescue, as Mom just HAD to have her. She’s supposed to be a purebred, but I have my doubts, as I’m sure there was once a traveling Qtip that somehow slipped a little DNA into her lineage. I have came to this conclusion as she is the ear-licker of the Casa, not just of me but also of the other dogs. She will roll her tongue into perfect pink cylinder that allows for maximum penetration, thus allowing her to address both ears from the same side. This method is so effective that her victim, er, client, doesn’t even have to roll over. But Mia always does the other side anyway; I personally think she’s just showing off.
So there you have it; if you ever happen to pay a visit to the Casa del Whackos, at least you’ll know what to expect.
Don’t even try to say I didn’t warn you…
…and the winner of the contest is Christina Sanchez for the line “you didn’t come this far only to come this far…”
Strength and honor.