Howdy, folks; I’m Mac o’ the Duff! Although it feels like I have been at the Casa forever, it will only be a year this coming Wednesday that Dad found me down by the Arkansas River. As I don’t have any idea as to my actual birthday, I henceforth declare that the fifth of October, my “gotcha” day, will be the official date of celebration.
As it seems to be the thing on the Book of Face to declare one’s birthday as a fundraiser for a worthy cause, I would like to take this opportunity to solicit funds for a cause that is near and dear to my own heart:
Dad needs an operation.
Although it’s not a new affliction, recent events have exacerbated the condition from benign to chronic. The procedure is a tricky one, requiring a specialized team of surgeons to ensure a successful outcome, as well as a healthcare provider willing to accept a payment plan, or “tote the note” as ut were. Insurance companies are loathe to cover this type of technical operation; some by declaring it elective surgery, others by hiding behind the “experimental” clause. But the time to act is now. The proper surgical team has finally been located, the operating room reserved, and it is time to get this situation resolved before it’s too late.
The pressing issue? Dad needs a new hand surgically attached.
What’s the issue with the two hands that he already possesses, you might ask? Not a dang thing; it’s just that I require at least two when it comes to the application of pets upon my person. This requires the addition of at least one more to hold the other dogs at bay whilst I receive my due diligence I would prefer that the new appendage be used a dererrent to the other dogs and not to be deployed in petting motions, but if I must take one for the team, I will.
But the real issue is where should this auxiliary appendage be attached? Mom voted that it be implanted on his chest so that it might be utilized to clamp over his mouth before his frequent outbursts of verbal diarrhea. Some have suggested that it be attached on his right shoulder facing backwards; this would have the dual benefit of allowing him to simultaneously pat himself on the back while waving at slower motorists. There have been other locations suggested, but as this is PG-13 rated post, we will draw the curtain of modesty across this particular stage. Any and all varying diagnoses are invited and will be entertained.
But regardless of where the new hand goes, it’s a foregone conclusion that it needs to happen and happen immediately; please, won’t you give?