Max here; since dad has went back to work, he has packed on a few pounds. In a humanitarian effort to prevent him from looking any more than he already does like a fire plug with thinning hair, the inmates at the Casa have devised a daily workout plan.
0300: advanced hot yoga session involving the Inverted Dog and pre-Sunrise Salutation positions to lever out of bed when nature calls, or Mia decides that she’s hasn’t annoyed any one recently enough… 250 calories
0305: Multiple laps to and from the back door to let inmates in and out, and in and out, then in, then out, etc, according to their respective biorhythms… 300 calories
0315: Jumping to Conclusions, followed by toe contractions, 10 reps; this excersize involves dad’s bare foot coming into contact with what he assumes is the product of Bultaco’s overactive urinary tract, only to discover that Charlie has once again managed to get more water on the floor than down her gullet… 575 calories.
0325: dead lift. This is where either Charlie or Bultaco have decided to exercise squatter’s rights to the warm spot on the bed that dad has vacated during his rigorous workout, and must be forcibly moved. All of the dogs are capable of giving Oscar-worthy performances when feigning sleep, in an effort to move dad to the couch, where they will eventually set up camp as well… 125-5000 calories, according to which dog requires eviction.
We then give him a short interval to recover until the opportunity clock erupts and it’s time to WATCH HIM GET DRESSED! Will it be blue jeans or khakis? Dress pants or riding gear? We watch these clothing choices with rapt anticipation, as this determines to what extent we will be participating in the days activities. I realize that this part of the regimen doesn’t seem like much of a workout for dad, and you are correct, usually only good maybe 100 calories… that is, until you take the dog-factor into consideration.
What should be only four steps from the bed to the closet becomes an almost impassable Canine Gauntlet trying to predict which way dad is going next; when he swerves to keep from stepping on the Bull, Charlie is there to divert him towards me, who in turn steers him towards Mia that she may cover his pants with hair. The fact that it’s great fun to witness dad’s half-clad portly pirouettes is just an added benefit to the morning’s sessions. By the time he finishes his workout with multiple laps to get coffee, then to the car, then back inside as he forgot his keys, then twenty reps with the lint brush as the morning light has exposed the fact that his pants legs are reminiscent of Esau’s, dad will easily have burned though at least 5000 calories. At this rate, we’ll have him in supermodel shape long before bikini season arrives…
…except for one thing; there is a Daylight Donuts directly between the Casa and the terminal, and those cinnamon twists and kolaches aren’t just going to “eat themselves”, are they?
We always have a big time at the Casa del Whackos!
I needed that laugh today. My hubby & I basically have the same workout plan at my house.
Love hearing these adventures.
I am laughting so hard right now, thank you for a great start to my day. Laughter is so good for the soul. Have a great Friday Bret 🙂
So much better than watching the increasingly depressing morning news. Thanks for the laughs.
Have a great day, Bret, now that you have escaped the inmates.
As usual, you make the morning routine a visual delight. Have a great day.
And I thought my morning routine was a rodeo, I just have a dog and a cat, you are a very patient man..do you ever sleep?
What is this “sleep” you speak of?
It’s foreign to me too..
Keep up the good work pups, and don’t forget the running to the front door and barking to make dad get up to see what’s going on outside, that’s on of my dogs favourites.
I love the mental images that your posts jam into my brain – I laugh all day thanks to you lot!
Dad’s sleep deprivation only adds to the fun 🙂
For your daytime workout routine, take all male dogs to Petco. As they work on their lifts for every counter, display, bag of dog food, sprinkle on dog food bags, frisbees, you name it, you will have sprayed down, wiped up and cleaned every surface by hand in the entire store! You’ll be covered in sweat, and your smart a=+($ watch will tell you “Great workout”!
Can you take Lloyd motorcycle shopping and get the same workout?
I love your posts! They are always good dor a chuckle or even a guffaw out loud!
Lol!! My life! The yoga moves I’ve created when trying to shimmy out from under the covers trying not to wake up the masses and my bull shadow so I can possible sneak to the bathroom ALONE. I don’t dare touch my phone at a tiny night light because this seems to instantly wake them and they think I’m ready to start the day. Worst is if I forget to turn it upside down and a cat steps on it lighting it up….”no you fools! Go back to sleep!”
I feel your anguish