Dad here: mom just fried up some maple-flavored crack cocaine, er, bacon, and brought a plate to the bedroom for me to sample. Of course, her approach down the hall was announced by a cacophony of dog hooves clattering on the faux wood flooring, produced by a posse of prancing pups hoping to relieve her of her burden before she ever makes it to her final destination. I find it odd that the smallest dog…

Dad's back in town after a quick overnight business trip to Memphis, mom's mom is gone back home to North Carolina, and we inmates once again reign supreme at the Casa del Whackos. As we leave the hectic "holiday" season in our mirrors and face the long trek across the wasteland of winter doldrums towards the promised land of spring, I was reminded of a moment last summer. Dad and I were crossing a long,…

Dad here; Davy Crockett was quoted as saying " I'm half-horse, half-alligator and a little attached with snapping turtle. I've got the fastest horse, the prettiest wife, the surest rifle and the ugliest dog in Texas. My father can lick any man in Kentucky... and I can lick my father. I can hug a bear too close for comfort and eat any man alive opposed to Andy Jackson." Well, although I don't ride a horse…

Mark Twain once said that house guests are like fish: after three days, they start stinking; I'm starting to feel the same way about these frigid temperatures that have set up housekeeping at the Casa del Whackos over the last few weeks. And before the crescendo of "well, if you think it's cold THERE!" starts building, don't bother; this is Arkansas. I admit it, we're weenies when it comes to the cold. We all lose…

Ajax here; most of the world waits in alcohol-injected anticipation of yet another false milestone; the dropping of a ball, the launching of a "free" fireworks display, anything that gives them a feeling of being part of something larger than what will follow the next day. The media also does their best to cash in as well, whipping the crowds into a frenzy in a conscious effort to divide their respective audiences into the "haves", those…

One of dad's strongly held beliefs is that you never have to worry about entering your second childhood if you absolutely refuse to leave your first. This may explain why fart jokes and scare pranks are essentially the Balm of Gilead around the Casa del Whackos; this is NOT the place to visit if you're expecting polite conversation and sophisticated humor. But sometimes even dad's approaching senility begins to rear its ugly head, an example:…